If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
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