According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
