Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
So much rum. So many feels.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize