My liver just broke up with me...
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
