Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
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