My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Your mouth is God's brothel.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
