I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
