So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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