why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
