I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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