I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Send help, water and tortillas.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
