carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I need to sanitize my soul.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
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