I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
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