He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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