You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Randomize
