FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
