His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Four minutes until I can fart!
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize