literally had 100 drinks last night.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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