How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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