I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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