I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
