I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Randomize
