Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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