i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
