At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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