last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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