I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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