my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
