Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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