Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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