I'd wear matching sweaters with you
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Randomize