just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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