im having a threesome with these popsicles
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
