Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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