What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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