my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
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