Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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