why didn't you poke me back
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
