i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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