I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
