What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
She swung at the pinata with crutches
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
