I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
