I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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