I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Randomize
