oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
