I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize
