How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
