oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
