This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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