Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I use my feet as sexual weapons
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
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