Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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