Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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