I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
