I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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