My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
