Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
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