Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Never underestimate the power of titties
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
