If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
pray to the hookup gods
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