My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Randomize
