He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
