i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
