i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Randomize
